letsdeadaland | Your past is always close behind

Your past is always close behind

[The last thing you recall is likely your own death. Whether it was fast or slow, it's over now. And you're... where are you?

One moment, you were among the living. The next - you may be one of the unfortunate ones who actually died. In which case, you've found yourself flowing in the lazy rivers of the river Styx, unfathomably deep underground. Just for a moment, mind you. It's not long before your consciousness is yanked from the waters by some scary monsters, shoved into a healed body, and pushed through a portal.

Or, maybe you were caught red-handed and sentenced to your doom. But, instead of a proper death, you were whisked down into the Veins of Tartarus. And there's really only one place that could lead to.

Welcome to Tartarus.

Here, you are stranded. Lone platforms of unearthly stone float amidst a sea of stars and galaxies. None of it is familiar, some of the constellations are even in shapes of Typhon or a few gods you haven't met. Even stranger, occasionally, you might hear a voice that could be your own. Voicing a fear. A disgust. A regret.

Looks like this is a prison after all. But it's also... calm here. Maybe you can breathe, for now.]

[In Tartarus, the 'dead' have been revived, healed of injuries, and imprisoned. You don't need to eat or drink here. You still have all of your abilities and god powers, as well.]

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[He blinks owlishly when Alex approaches, yanked from his own thoughts for the more pressing reality of the situation that oh right, everyone here is going to be pissed at him (understandably so) and it would seem it isn't just the killers gathered here. He should expect a visit from his own victims, at some point.]

...Would you prefer to take this outside?

[He stands, though. Ivilezlei's tone is completely neutral, just as blank as his expression. Zvei would have hid behind a smile and his usual flippant behavior, but he isn't exactly Zvei anymore, now is he? So he doesn't bother pretending.]

[ The lack of reaction, of anything... It infuriates him. ]

Duh. Sayo said no fucking violence, you dick.

Very well.

[There isn't any hesitation, and Ivilezlei turns to leave. Out we go! He won't head out too far, but once we're outside of Sayo's zone, he turns back to Alex.]

Go ahead.

[He makes no move to protect himself, and won't stop Alex from whatever he wants to do.]

[ Without hesitation or planning, Alex hauls back and punches Ivilezlei in the face. He doesn't stop there. After getting one good punch in, he pretty much tackles him to the ground. And all the while— ]

They were kids! You fucking piece of shit, they were goddamn kids!!

[He lets it happen, because there really isn't any point in fighting it. Better to let Alex get his anger out this way than stopping him and making a bigger mess of things.

(Would Ivilezlei do this out of guilt rather than a purely pragmatic approach? Would he have cared at all that they were kids, or would he have been as ruthless as Zvei if he'd decided to capitalize on an incentive?)

He doesn't speak, but also doesn't heal. Fuck him up, Alex, you deserve it!!]

[ Fuck him up he does! Alex really shows no sign of slowing down, not even as his knuckles break open from the force of the repeated punches.

This really is the first time Alex has ever gotten into a fight and not taken his own hits in return. He's not particularly...good at this. He's sloppy. There are a thousand openings for Ivilezlei to capitalize on, because Alex is driven in this moment not by methodical planning and paranoia but pure emotion, rage and anger and frustration and betrayal. ]

—'nd she was just trying to protect- what the fuck, you- did ya think whoever you did this for'd be fucking proud?! Happy?!

[It takes a moment for the words to really register. For him to finally catch onto what Alex is saying - admittedly because he's been lost in his own head more than he's ever had a reason to be before. He finally moves to grab Alex - not to hurt him, just to move him off so Ivilezlei can move to sit up. Being on his back is a bad time considering that's where the tentacles are and they're already feeling Not Great from it.

He holds up a hand to maybe stop Alex from going in for another hit, and the words immediately follow.]

Will you allow me a moment to explain myself? You may go right back to hitting me afterwards.

[Especially because it won't actually help any - if anything, this may be more fuel for the inferno that is Alex's rage. But...]

I didn't kill them to bring someone back. That offer had nothing to do with my decision.

[Maybe it's some sort of twisted sense of pride that would have him argue this instead of anything else. Or perhaps it's just that Alex should be beating him up for the correct reasons, either or.]

Edited (misspelling my own oc's dumb name smh) 2025-08-12 20:19 (UTC)

[ So surprising it is that he stops the barrage that Ivilezlei halts Alex's momentum entirely, leaving him to sort of flail a bit before regaining his control. For the first time since this whole thing has started— no, for the first time since he found himself screaming on goddamn Flight 180, since everything— he has a physical target for his rage, after all, and it's...a little overwhelming.

Like this is.

He expects to hear a sob story that would, inevitably, get him. Tug at his heartstrings and complicate his feelings. But, instead— ]

What?

Wha- what, you-

You didn't even do it for that?

[ His voice breaks. It's too much to take, honestly. ]

I didn't.

[Ivilezlei wipes the blood from where his lip's split, but he can still speak so there's no reason to heal it yet. Once Alex is far enough away he'll heal the injuries, but better to let him vent that anger and get it out of his system than to let it fester, he thinks.]

The others all know why I did it. I see no reason why those of you here shouldn't.

[Where to start, though...]

When I arrived here, I only remembered the last twelve years of my life. Everything before that was completely gone, and something I desperately wanted back. I tried to reclaim my memories back home in Aelios, and failed. I died with little regrets.

[Better to die than to die than to remain Zvei, after all.]

Typhon approached me with an offer - he would restore my memories if I would work for him. So I did. I gave him information about our gatherings, and he restored memory of my real name - Ivilezlei.

[There should be some sort of emotional reaction to it. There was when he first remembered it. But there isn't one now - and there won't be one as he continues.]

He asked me to kill for the rest of my memories. I did. It just so happened that it was those three I came across that night. Unsurprisingly, I was caught, but all that mattered to me was reclaiming my memories. I thought I would return to the lifestream - I would cease to exist afterwards. So what would it matter what happened afterwards?

[He doesn't mention Seymour or anything that happened there because that would be another long explanation and this one's already Too Much so let's just. Not think about that any!!]

[ Alex listens. Even though a rage he hasn't possessed towards any other of those who have succumb to Typhon's threats flows through him, he listens, because that's what he does, he listens. He watches. If you don't do that, that's how you lose, after all—and it's a philosophy that carries over to social interactions as well.

It's almost a little funny, how Death has pushed him to become better in that respect. He doesn't give it any credit.

But damn, this really is Too Much. He stands over Ivilezlei, something not quite like disbelief shadowing his face. It's not, for the record, Alex rarely dismisses anything out of hand anymore, but it's... What is it? Incredulity? Astonishment?

For a long several moments of silence, Alex just stands there, mouth working but no sound coming out. Nothing, until— ]

When?

[ It's low and angry and...hurt? ]

When the fuck did you decide to sell all of us out?

[As good a place to start as any, he supposes.]

Not long after Typhon broke free. He approached me with an offer, and I accepted.

[He's done far worse in pursuit of his memories. Selling out people he only knew for a week? Not difficult at all.]

[ Is it better or worse, that he barely knew them? That he went around acting friendly for weeks? That one of Alex's last memories before dying (again) is the man he knew as Zvei trying to heal him, the sensation of skin and tissue knitting back together only to fall apart once again, like a disgusting and apt metaphor—

Alex swings another punch, wild and impulsive in contrast to everything else about him. ]

Fuck you.

[Zvei doesn't fight it, wincing a bit at the hit. Truly unfortunate that he's retained his ability to feel pain even while dead, but he deserves this.]

I did far worse in pursuit of my memories back home. I did far worse here. I would have done anything to have them back, even if it was only for a short amount of time.

[And that's what he thought it'd be. Though it does make sense; how could his soul possibly be at rest after all of that; of course he's trapped in some horrid in-between state. Though usually those in-between states become some kind of ghost or wraith or something, not... whatever this is. He's entirely too sentient for his own liking right now.]

Imagine your life if you could not remember any of the people closest to you. If you could not remember everything that led you up until this point. Then imagine being ostracized from everyone around you, and failing to understand why and how to connect to others.

My actions were selfish and cruel, yes. But I had already lost everything back home; what did I stand to lose here?

Ohhh, don't give me that crap— you lost everything? Join the club!

[ Dark. Empty. Cold. This is your fault, you will be Here forever, and you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this— ]

You think that excuses it? Sellin' out the people who trusted you, who, if you really tried- fuck, don't ya think any of 'em would've tried to help? If we coulda all just worked together?! Just 'cause life sucks doesn't mean you can stop trying!

[ That's what he said all those weeks ago. That's what happens, things break down and fall apart. People who don't deserve it are ostracized and misunderstood. But— ]

You had a chance! And you fucked up everything! Again!

[ A second chance, wasted. Of everything...that's what Alex connects with most. ]

[For a moment, he's silent, watching Alex Go Through It and some part of him is deeply jealous that he doesn't feel as angry about it as Alex does.

You feel more than you let yourself believe. Szyi had told him once, and spent the rest of the day pointing out every single feeling Ivilezlei had, even ones he wasn't aware of having. Is that true now? Even if his anger isn't as explosive as Alex's, is it still present?

...Or maybe it's always been present, functioning as a festering wound rather than a raging inferno.]

Yes. Yes, I did.

[There's no real feeling behind the words, just a quiet, aching acceptance.]

If I'd chosen to trust [Seymour] you all with the truth, perhaps I would have taken a different path. Perhaps some of you would have accepted me as I am, regardless. [Seymour might have.] I was blind to the possibility and... desperate for what I thought would make me whole. For what would fix me.

[And then it's like a light clicks on somewhere in a very dark room.]

...I wanted to be anyone else but "Zvei" and couldn't accept that anyone else could come to care for "Zvei" at all.

[He was scared of letting them try. He was scared of accepting Seymour's possible interest as anything more than a fleeting fancy, despite knowing that Seymour isn't the sort. Because who could care for Zvei, when he hated Zvei more than anyone else?]

So you hated yourself so much that you'd rather kill the rest of us, instead of let anyone else try to even like you.

[ Teeth bared, Alex leans down and grabs the front of Ivilezlei's shirt. ]

You took your problems, and you made them all of ours. And you killed good people, 'cause of that.

...So I did.

[He doesn't fight it, though his labcoat moves of its own accord as though the tentacles are about to appear... before it settles. He's prefer not to be on his back again, but he's not going to fight Alex any.]

I don't believe there's anything I can say or do to make amends of any sort, but I will start with this: I truly am sorry for not realizing all of this sooner and trying to come to terms with it all before it turned into... all of this. I'm sorry for betraying you.

[The other apologies he has to give are for other individuals, and some of them he's not sure he'll even be able to give. It doesn't make things right. It doesn't even really help, but it's something that should be said.]

[ For a long moment, it may look like Alex is about to start wailing on him again. His bloody fist clenches tight, he pulls Ivilezlei close, practically shaking with rage—

And then he harshly and abruptly lets go, shoving him as he does. ]

If you're sorry, you don't just get to say it. You gotta prove it.

We're stuck here. So make something of yourself.

[So make something of yourself.

A tall task, but one he deserves after what he's done. Both Ivilezlei and Zvei were able to put their talents to productive use in various ways, so it's something he can do... he just needs to take the first few steps forward.]

Very well. [He adjusts his monocle a bit and exhales slowly.] Though I doubt we should see any fighting here, should any of you have need of healing, I am still capable of it. I'll find other ways to prove my use here as well.

[The first step forward was the hardest for Ivilezlei when he decided he needed to become a better person. The first step forward was the hardest for Zvei after he awoke without his memories.

Third time's the charm, they say.]

Good.

[ He turns away, shaking out his fists. ]

I'll be watching you. One step outta line, and- and I swear, I'll make this whole thing hell.

[ this is the first fight he has ever won and it's because his opponent isn't fighting back but okay honey ]

[listen alex is valid and deserves this.]

I understand. I don't intend to disappoint you.

[Whether he will or not... Well. We'll just have to see, won't we?]

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Your past is always close behind

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cw: suicidal ideation

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